


the darkness

by orphan_account



Series: too close to the stars [2]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man - All Media Types, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Depression, F/M, Hurt Peter Parker, Hurt Tony Stark, Panic, Panic Attacks, Parent Tony Stark, Peter Parker Feels, Peter Parker Gets a Hug, Peter Parker Has Issues, Peter Parker Has Nightmares, Peter Parker Has Panic Attacks, Peter Parker Has a Family, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter Parker is a Mess, Precious Peter Parker, References to Depression, Social Anxiety, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-19
Updated: 2019-05-20
Packaged: 2020-03-07 19:08:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18879418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Peter has been dealing with a lot lately and maybe, just maybe, he wants the darkness and nothingness to take him away.





	1. lost without you

**Author's Note:**

> this work is a little scary and so will the rest of the chapters in this part of the series, so I'll list the warnings here:  
> thoughts and mentions of suicide and self harm, severe depression and anxiety, and mental health in general

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter wakes up, and suddenly he doesn't want to live anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a little scary,  
> just warning you.  
> also, someone give peter parker a hug :(

He wakes up, but he wishes he hadn't. This is all in his head, right? He knows that he has school today, and he knows he has to move. But this is just more than being a typical teenager, he  _knows_ that. Right now, he is questioning his entirety of his will to actually _live_ , to go hang out with Ned and kiss May goodbye in the morning. _Right now_ , he doesn't want to do anything. He starts to think, ' _What if I just disappear?  No one would miss me anyway, right?_ ' In less than his 8 hours of sleep, Peter has become numb, oblivious to the fact that he might actually have a place in this world.

Of course, Peter being himself, he tells his Aunt May that he is sick, unable to get up from his bed and _definitely_ not able to get himself to school. May understands where Peter is coming from and kisses him on the forehead, leaving for work. As soon as she is gone, Peter gets his phone out and calls Mr. Stark, the only person he knows he can trust and hopefully not burden with this feeling of _nothingness_ that he is experiencing right now. 

The phone goes to voicemail and Peter starts to panic. His chest tightens and his breath gets caught. He sits up and hunches over, his eyes darting everywhere for something to focus on, but suddenly everything is a blur and all he knows is that he's not getting air into his lungs. The darkness pulls him under for two seconds, taking his vision and all senses, but he resurfaces, gasping and panting as he is slowly learning how to _breathe_ again. Peter's tears run freely down his face, terrified at what had just happened. He has been panicky and on edge around people so much lately, but never something like this, there isn't anyone here.

Peter pulls himself together and gets dressed, feeling like someone has put him in slow motion. Every breath he takes he feels as if it were forced, for he is scared and afraid that the feeling of darkness taking over and nothingness filling him whole will come and take him under once again. The only person he knows that will help him is Tony Stark, and even then he is not sure that he will be able to help this time. Mr. Stark is amazing at calming his nightmare episodes, but this is completely different.

Peter calls a cab and fidgets in the back seat all the way there, taking deep breaths of the fresh morning air. When May first brought him to their place, she told him to make a list of everything he knows if he ever is lonely when she is gone. She probably thought that it would help in situations like this, but it's making Peter's vision blur now that he counts the things off. The things he _doesn't_ know are the things that are making his palms sweaty and a migraine start to pound his head as they get closer to the compound.

"Hey, kid, what's up? Shouldn't you be in school?..." Tony says, but clearly isn't paying attention because the kid behind him has burst into tears. He stops tinkering when he hears a sniffle and looks over at Pete. His hair is tousled and he looks utterly _exhausted_ , as if the weight of the world is on his shoulders. Tony recognizes this exact look, the hollowness inside Peter's eyes, the terrible fear they hold. _No kid_ his age should be dealing with this much anxiety, and what he has seen these past few weeks, some signs of depression. Tony isn't completely sure if his analysis of the teary eyed child is right, but when they sit down and Peter starts to open up, his hypothesis is proven to be mostly true.

"Mr. Stark, this morning something... _scary_ happened. I woke up feeling like... like _nothing_." Peter almost whispers the last word, fighting back the tears that are blurring his vision. He swallows the lump in his throat and decides to keep going. "I didn't want to go anywhere, talk to anyone, or even get out of bed. It... It was like I almost didn't want to go out and  _live_." Guilt builds up in the pit Peter's stomach and he regrets saying what he did. He shouldn't feel that way. That's not _normal_.

"Pete... what do you mean? You're... you're not thinking about hurting yourself or anything, are you?" Tony asks cautiously, careful not to trigger anything. The kid shakes his head and just studies the gray carpeting, tears falling down his face.

Peter looks up, and it's one of the most heartbreaking things that Tony has ever seen. "I'm sorry, Tony. The- The darkness it- the darkness takes over sometimes and I- It's so hard to explain I- I just don't-"

Peter breaks. His heart seems to be ripping into two, and there's nothing he can do to stop it. Tony reaches out to Peter and Pete just _collapses_ into his arms. Sobs rack his body as everything these past two weeks suddenly crash around him in an avalanche of memories. The kids in the halls staring at him as if he were a _freak_ , May telling him that he could talk to her, when he knew that she could never understand. Liz left him, she _left_ him. He wasn't enough for her, and he was paying for it right now. He witnessed people _die_ at the hands of robbers and terrible people who seem to find it fun to kill, and it was all his fault. He could never forgive himself for all that has happened in this small amount of time, but Tony could.

"Everything happens for a reason, kiddo. There are easy ways out, like people who decide to take their own lives, they took the easy way and we _will_ mourn for them." There was a small silence. _**Please** don't even think about it, Peter. I don't know what I'd do without you_, Tony thought, a lump in his throat forming when he even just  _thought_ about Peter leaving. He went on, "But then there are the fighters. People like us, we have to fight for happiness, even when the people who cause our happy are gone." Tony ruffles Peter's hair as Pete sits up. "Your Aunt May, Ned, and even Pepper here, we _all_ love you so so much." He brushes the tears from the boy's cheeks. "We'd be lost without you." _I'd be lost without you._

Peter looks up and a small flicker of warmth lights him up inside, and he knows exactly what it is.

_Hope._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comment your favorite thing about Peter Parker if you want to give him a warm hug :,(  
> hope you enjoyed <3  
> just know if you need anyone to talk to i'm here for you guys


	2. you can rest now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter feels hollow, and The Darkness is starting to take over, effecting everything he does. Suddenly he finds himself detached, a shell of nothing with a convincing cover. But that cover doesn't fool Tony Stark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tony Stark is in no way trying to replace Peter's late father, but this new found relationship is something special.

Disassociation has caused Peter to shut all of his feelings off. It pulled him away from May and Ned, but most importantly, it pulled him away from himself. It's as if he is merely a stranger is his own body, gazing down at himself in disappointment. Disassociation makes him lose all feeling. Someone hurts him? Nothing. No reaction, no surprise, no fulfillments of events afterwards. It is slowly stripping him from who he is and who he wants to be. Disassociation can _and has_ hurt many of his friends and family, but the one person who is seeing right through Peter's front, is the one and only, Tony Stark.

Tony starts to notice it at social gatherings. He knows that Peter has social anxiety, and so he always keeps an extra eye on him at banquets and even avengers meetings. When Peter suddenly becomes distant with everyone around him, Tony notices it right away. He doesn't want Peter to know what he knows though, that would ruin Tony's whole approach. After this party, he will take Peter on a drive, and they are going to talk. Because that's what they do when Peter is having a bad day, they talk.

"How has your day been, kid?" Tony asks as they leave the huge dining hall the event was in, he can only imagine what Pete must have felt when the whole place was packed full of supporters and news teams. Tony looks over at the boy, who seems to be lost in his own world again, headphones blasting and a distant look in his eyes. "Pete, c'mon, you know I hate it when you do that, you gotta talk to me, k? I'm worried about you." Tony keeps his eyes on the road but can still easily see Peter's eyes glisten as he takes the headphones out and sets them in his lap.

"You... You don't need to be worried, Mr. Stark, 'm fine." Peter mumbles and fumbles with his headphones. "I don't want you to be worried about me." He says, and it seems as if he has stumbled his way into a conversation he has been dreading all day. Peter doesn't want anyone to know what he's feeling right now, let alone experience it themselves. He feels distant, floating above and outside of what is going on right now. He really doesn't feel anything at all. He is a hollow shell, putting up a pleasing cover so no one can notice. Turns out, the only person who _does_ notice, is pushing him to spill the truth of what's going on inside his mind. Peter feels a pinch of anger when he thinks this and shuts off whatever was telling him to spill his guts to Tony.

"Parker, I know some things are hard right now-" Tony starts, unable to finish because Peter decides to cut him off.

"You know what, Mr. Stark? All this time I thought you would understand. I don't want to open up!" Peter's voice gets louder. "It's like you can see into the very depths of my soul, right? Every single thing I do is just _so_ important to you because you think you know _exactly_ how my mind works, right? Just because you and Pepper can't have kids, you act like you're a wannabe father, and it doesn't look good on you _one bit_." Peter practically spits the last words and Tony parks the car in an empty lot. Peter heaves deep breaths and the red hot anger that just came spilling out of his mouth suddenly catches up to him.

Tony takes off his glasses and wipes them, looking around while Peter sits in silence. "I want to help you, Peter, I really do." Tony says and puts his glasses back on. He looks over at the boy. "I can tolerate your yelling, your pain and everything else that comes out of that small mouth of yours, but I _will not_ tolerate you bringing Pepper and our relationship into _any argument_ at _any time_ as a weapon you use against me, are we clear?" Tony says and studies Peter thoughtfully for a moment, watching as his eyes remain expressionless while he nods.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Stark. I- I don't know where that came from." The kid mumbles. Tony nods and they sit quietly as the silence becomes comfortable again.

"What did you mean?" Tony asks after a while has passed. Peter sits uncomfortably, probably confused on what Mr. Stark means. "You said..." Tony starts, looking at the exhausted boy across from him. "You said you didn't want me to worry about you. Why?"

"I'm a burden." Peter lets out a sigh, laughing but not actually meaning it. "I'm another thing to add to a list of problems. I could never tell May how I feel, how I've been feeling. She- She would send me off to a therapist and then I'd be forced to spill my guts." Peter lets out a shaky breath and looks anywhere but Mr. Stark's face. "I'm so afraid if I start to explain it, it might take over again. I've just resorted to not feeling anything at all, and it helps, actually. But some nights I wish..." Peter chokes out a sob. "I just want to feel something again, Tony." Peter whispers, a waterfall ready to let loose.

"I don't like opening myself up to most people. I'll always have this fear that once they know everything about me, my hurts, my secrets, _everything_ , that they'll use it against me and leave." Peter looks up and a hollow smile takes over his face. "Like you, Mr. Stark." Tony's face goes from sympathy to hurt. "I'm telling you all of this now, but in a week you'll forget this ever happened and move on with your life, it's just how it goes in this world." Peter says leaning back again, wiping the tears from his eyes and blowing his nose.

As Peter does this, Tony has suddenly lost his train of thought. The kid thinks he is going to desert him, _leave him_. If Tony has to sit here and listen to Peter talk about anything he wants, then he'll do just that. Because Tony has decided that he will never leave Peter, whether he likes it or not.

Another thing that caught Tony's attention when Peter was talking, was that Pete referred to his anxiety and depression as an 'it.' He used that very pronoun to say 'it' was going to pull him under, and what would happen is what Tony calls either an anxiety attack or a panic attack. He needed to know why Peter would call it an 'it.'

"Peter," Tony says, drawing the kid's attention, "what did you mean when you said that 'it' was going to pull you under?"

Peter looks away for a second and then just focuses on the dashboard of the car. "'It' is The Darkness." Peter says, trying to think of words to describe it. "The Darkness is like its own _being_ , ok? It comes in the form of a dark figure or maybe water sometimes. It settles in the dark part of my mind, which is where I have tended to go a lot more lately." Peter takes a deep breath as he can feel The Darkness rising up again. "It's coming, Mr. Stark. The water is getting too high- I- I can't keep my head above it." Peter squeezes his eyes shut and his breathing becomes shallow again. _Stop. Make it all stop, **please**._ Peter begs himself, tear after tear rolling down his cheeks as panic swallows him whole.

As Peter is blocking everything out, Tony is doing everything he can to calm the kid down. "Pete, c'mon Pete, just look at me. Just look at me ok?" Pete's eyes seem to be glazed over in a sense of panic. "Peter! You can hold your breath, remember? Remember that one time when Pepper, May, Happy, and I all took you and Ned swimming at this amazingly fancy hotel? You and Ned accidentally got served the wine instead of Apple Juice," Tony chuckles to himself, seeing Pete pipe up and his breathing even out. 

"Ya, Mr. Stark, I- I could never forget that." Peter attempts a smile and watches as other cars go by, Tony's hand staying on Peter's shoulder. "The Darkness, it almost had me for the second time today. This isn't normal. _I'm_ not normal. Should we see that therapist now? I think we should, we definitely should. Have you mentioned it to May..." The kid rambles on and Tony just watches as Peter gets his seatbelt on, jittery as ever. Seconds ago he was stiff and non-responsive. But, if this is how Pete copes, then so be it.

On the drive home, Tony lets Peter put in his headphones, seeing as he is practically dead from extreme exhaustion and hasn't eaten much, he should be asleep in a few minutes. When Tony drops the kid off, he is half asleep but still conscious enough to notice someone robbed a bank while he was gone. Tony had to drag Peter to his bed and lay him down, before reassuring him many times that no one was hurt and that the police caught the men before anything serious happened.

As Peter sleeps, Tony takes one last glance at his son.

_It's ok Peter, you can rest now._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> protect :) irondad :) rights :) at :) all :) costs :)  
> also, the ending is terrible I apologize,  
> I was really tired and needed some sleep.  
> hope you enjoyed <3


End file.
